Launch Day

I like to keep up on the latest Lance Armstrong news. You can learn a lot from following his lanceness. I like Lance. I wish I could be more like him. That’s why I’m making the following changes.

Appearance Fees – you want me, we’re going to have to work out the details with my people. Which brings me to my next point.

My People – I want to get to that special place where I no longer have friends, rather I have people.

Third Person Plural – We’re going to need to refer to ourselves in third person plural pretty much most of the time. It’s good for you, it’s good for us.

Get Our Message Out There – We have a message, and we need to stay “on message.” Lance fights cancer. Everybody knows that. We’re (third person plural) going to fight two things: adult onset diabetes, and improper tire inflation. The former makes people sick, and by battling it we can get folks healthy again. The later makes people poor, and by fighting it, we can keep them rolling along. Also — there’s absolutely no denying the positive energy boost one gets after inflating one’s tires to proper levels, and if I (excuse me, “we”) can attach ourselves to that moment, all the better.

Raising Awareness — we (“we”) are always “on.” It’s important to be on. Always raising awareness for our message. And we seek to build friendships with corporate entities who share our message. (And sometimes that message is, “the check cashes.” That’s ok. In fact that’s fantastic.)

Press Conferences — if you’d like me to attend an event, I’d really like to make it happen, but the best thing “we” can do to make it happen is for you to contact _[your name here]_. He/she handles our details for the foundation (see next point.) That’s code for first we’re going to work out the fee. Afterwards, I’ll make myself available for questions. Q & A. I don’t like to mingle, that will definitely be a little harder to get done (code for “cost more.”) Rather, let’s form a line, set up a table. Field some questions. Raise awareness. Get our message out there. We’d like to join forces with you in raising awareness for your event and for our message.

Start A Foundation – for our message. For awareness. For fund raising. The Launch Day Adult Onset Diabetes and Improper Tire Inflation Foundation. LDAODITIF. “LiveLoud”. No, “LaunchLoud.” No – “Launch Day”. Perfect! We’ll find an acronym to fit that later.

So ok everyone, let’s get our message out there. Let’s raise awareness. It ain’t cheap, it ain’t easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

“Join Launch Day in the global fight against adult onset diabetes and improper tire inflation.”

I like it.

I’d like to pause a moment to pay my respects to a friend who met an unscheduled appointment with the front end of a truck. I’d like to part the cosmos for just a second, if I may, please, and send a small dispatch, if thats just all right with everybody. So hold on. I’m probably not dealing with this particularly well and I just need to send a quick missive. I cant do it on the facebooks or the twitter thing or the work thing. Its just not the right place. This is my home. I will do it here.

You were a hard charging, once-in-a-lifetime friend, amigo. I tip my hat to you. You made it happen all the time. Like nobody else around. I’ll see you at the finish line, you badass, ballsy mother effer. You’re damn right I will.

I guess you’re heartrate’s not that much lower now than it was at resting, is it. Ha ha ha.

I’d say “RIP” but I know you’re not resting. You’re training. You’re climbing up some ridiculous mountain road to the clouds saying what you always said, “whose idea was it to climb THIS shit?? Its cold! Who thought this was a good idea??”

Then you’d drop us.

On the way down, you’d be sure to tell everyone to be safe, and to watch out. And just by saying it, you’d make it true. You’d tell us boring stories about “back in the day” when you raced for Nissan. If someone took a spill you knew what to do, and afterward you’d tell them “Watch out or your wife won’t let you ride with us anymore…” We’d laugh.

You’d call out every pot hole. You’d point out every danger. You’d be the first off the bike to help with a flat. We’d call each other dumbass over some stupid thing. We’d walk to the bagel thing and get some drinks. We’d swing by Corey’s. We’d hit up Louie’s for some tacos or chile. We’d plan. We’d pick movies. We’d talk tech, or whatever. We’d get bored, we’d bail.

Ride safe bro. I’ll see you tomorrow.

I know you had a favorite LD song, I’ll play it for you here. Plus one you maybe haven’t heard it’s an old one, but I wrote it, parts of it at least, with you in mind. It’s ok, I like the chorus. The chorus is all you. Turn it up, amigo, and tune out.

Here’s “God Lives”, your favorite. After that is “Keep Climbing Mountains.”
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Rancho man dies in cycling collision
Created: 01/09/2011 08:54:09 PM PST

A Rancho Cucamonga man died Sunday morning as he rode his bicycle on Glendora Mountain Road.

Kevin B. Unck, 44, was riding his Felt road bicycle south on Glendora Mountain just north of Sierra Madre Avenue when he struck a Toyota Land Cruiser that was traveling northbound.

The Land Cruiser was driven by Martin G. Habern, 56, of Glendora, according to a California Highway Patrol news release.

The Land Cruiser was traveling about 20 mph while the cyclist was traveling approximately 30 mph when they both approached a blind curve. Unck was unable to negotiate the curve in the road and his bicycle drifted into the northbound lanes where he struck the vehicle head-on, according to the release.

Unck was airlifted to USC Medical Center in Los Angeles where he later died.

Habern was not injured.

The CHP is investigating the collision.

Read more: http://www.dailybulletin.com/news/ci_17052758#ixzz1AnBgNjkl

Email grab bag today. First things first –

We’re not just all about the rock here at the ivory towers of Launch Day Headquarters. We’re also all about the snacks. Which is why the astro weenie christmas tree sent in from Piano Steve is going to be topping the mahogany boardroom table at this year’s LD christmas party. did i say christmas? I mean festivus, duh. charles pheonix, we salute you.

Also. Let’s not forget that Monday is Danceday. The usual monday morning routine of whats-that-smell and find-my-pants-somewhere-outside gets sooOOooo stale. So we’re mixing it up today and pulling in a little choreography. Time to clear the cobwebs and celebrate the start of the workweek. We’re all about the exercise. And you’ll know the real LD fans out there cuz they’ll have nailed the “burst both hands / up punch / shoulder shoulder / double dream hands / jump” move. Thx for sending this in, John de Juan. We salute you … and we salute Planet Rock!

We are men of the renaissance here at the ivory towers of Launch Day headquarters, able to discuss nearly any topic, any time, with depth and perception so uncommon amongst the, ahem, “working class,” bless their little give-us-this-day-our-daily-bread hearts.

So up at 5 am this morning, as per usual, trying to figure out which end of the boardroom table to sit at today and why, exactly, my pants were on backwards, and just before embarking on my usual strict daily exercise regimen of kayaking, marathon running, breath holding and cramming myself into a small, one-foot box, I found myself discussing something called “calvinism” with a friend, which is some sort of ancient religious cult, apparently, started by Ricardo count Von Calvin in Paraguay in the 1500s — yes, the same Von Calvin who, oddly enough, perfected the art of brewing mead in the large, slightly used flower pots so commonly found in the slums of Paraguay. Originally intended as a 5-point reference guide for the cheap, safe brewing of mead in the aforementiond flower pots, “5 Point Calvinism” has been twisted by the well meaning populace over the centuries into more of a code of ethics — guide posts, if you will, along the road of self-flagellation leading towards the pearly gates of deep, self-righteous smugness. One example of this twisting : the first point, now (incorrectly) referred to as “total depravity” according to its wikipedia thingie, was originally “Totally Deprived,” as in, “Before using the flower pot to brew mead, first determine that the pot is totally deprived of all remnants of top soil.” Just an example. I’m not making this stuff up.

I was directed towards something called ‘TULIP’, which is an acronym for the “five points” upon which a good little calvinist’s hopes and dreams rest, and it occurred to me, right then, right smack dab then and there, what exactly it was that I really needed for the religion I had just decided to start:

An acronym.

I think you need an acronym to truly be successful in this life.

So I posit:

B.E.E.R.

or perhaps the less funny (to SOME):
L.E.M.M.I.N.G

Yes, so just in case you forget what it is you believe, you can refer to these handy little acronyms to remind you, and give you a sense of power over everyone you ever have a conversation with, which let’s face it, is the entire point. Let’s give it a shot:

B. – Something that starts with “B”. “Be funny”. “Be Serious.” Be Seriously Funny. Works for me. A carrot noone can ever grasp. Perfect!
E. – Enter through the narrow gate. It means nothing, but sounds so important. Perfect!
E. – Enjoy Your Life. Such a nice platitude, sure to captivate thousands – no, millions — of practitioners over the coming centuries.
R. – Relax! No, too soft. Revolt! Perfect! Against what? Revolt against laziness! Perfect!

B – Be seriously funny
E – Enter through the narrow gate
E – Enjoy Your Life
R – Revolt against laziness

There you have it folks. Did I say “folks?” I meant — beerists! No – Beerytes! No – Beers! There you have it, beers. A handy acronym, and let’s not overlook its most important quality — it’s only four points, or one point less than the demanding, unpopular Ricardo Count Von Calvin’s.

Perfect!

Yeah I’ll keep this short and sweet and just express my bitterness at the worlds most famously-logo’ed karaoke band, Dead Kennedys. We caught them this weekend in Ventura and man, it stunk. We walked out. I want my twenty bucks back. The only redeeming quality of the evening is that now i can serve as a warning beacon to others.

HEY DEAD KENNEDYS — I WANT MY TWENTY BUCKS BACK.

Nostalgia night is a scary night. Stay away. I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. From here on out, if you don’t have new material you’re touring on, I’m not going ANYWHERE near you. You smell of death.

First off, your openers, the Angry Samoans — good grief, someone get that singer a chair, would you? He had to take a knee the whole set. I could not believe my eyes. That brand of goofball cartoon-character punk rock I guess might kind of worked when you were 17, but dudes youre like, what, a wheezy 50? Hey I’ve got NO problem with age, man, but maybe try playing something that reflects your life as things currently stand, or do the world a favor and stay retired. (Oh one sidenote — your guitar player is GREAT. He’s the only reason I didn’t shoot myself in the face during your set.)

That put me in a sour enough mood, then out rolled the Dead Kennedys, and all I could think was, “who’s that singing Jello’s songs?” And, “is that really a 40-year-old singing about high school football?” Weird. The singer was like Jim Carrey doing a Jello Biafra impression. Just too weird a night for my blood. Nothing new, nothing relevant, no point, smelled of death, left early. I supposed if I had thought about it enough ahead of time I could have figured it out and saved myself the nausea.

How’s that for chipper?

So call me when there’s some new material.

Speaking of which – individually, these guys in DK are great musicians, for what they do. Even the singer, who’s name is “Im not Jello”. I’d absolutely love to hear what they could come up with in this century. East Bay Ray looked pretty cool up there, he’s aged pretty gracefully and I wouldn’t mind hearing what he has to say about … well, about whatever he wants to say. The bass player Greg Reeves at least _appeared_ intelligent and you could tell he really enjoyed what he was doing. Though I’m not sure why. Look — these are the people that wrote Frankenchrist, and now they’re wheeling out a Jello impersonator to sell 20 dollar tickets to 12-yr olds and their middle aged punk rock dads. This is wrong, right?

So as far as Dead Kennedys is concerned, punk IS dead, man. You’ve got a really recognizable logo and a really famous ex-singer, but for the here and now, you got nothin’. Except my 20 dollars. Which I want back.

Found this in the Library of Congress. Yeah, you know, I like to stroll around the “LOC” as we in the ivory towers of Launch Day headquarters like to refer to it. We find the marble floors so … clarifying.

It’s from some guy named George Washington, who I thought played linebacker for the Rams, but turns out he used to be a politician,too. Wig wearer. Freaky, eh.

Hey, this George character might be onto something. He might be a semi important figure in like, our country’s like, history and stuff. But he keeps talking about this “Almighty” guy. Come now, that’s so 1700s. We’re MUCH smarter these days. Oops, gotta run, my “Friends” rerun is on! Enjoy!

As for my own Thanksgiving Proclamation … I proclaim I’ll talk like Flava Flava the rest of the night and git me some mo’ of that Pecan Pie. Yeaaaahhhh,, BOYEEEEE.

[New York, 3 October 1789]

Page Image.

Thanksgiving Proclamation

By the President of the United States of America, a Proclamation.

Whereas it is the duty of all Nations to acknowledge the providence of Almighty God, to obey his will, to be grateful for his benefits, and humbly to implore his protection and favor– and whereas both Houses of Congress have by their joint Committee requested me to recommend to the People of the United States a day of public thanksgiving and prayer to be observed by acknowledging with grateful hearts the many signal favors of Almighty God especially by affording them an opportunity peaceably to establish a form of government for their safety and happiness.

Now therefore I do recommend and assign Thursday the 26th day of November next to be devoted by the People of these States to the service of that great and glorious Being, who is the beneficent Author of all the good that was, that is, or that will be– That we may then all unite in rendering unto him our sincere and humble thanks–for his kind care and protection of the People of this Country previous to their becoming a Nation–for the signal and manifold mercies, and the favorable interpositions of his Providence which we experienced in the course and conclusion of the late war–for the great degree of tranquility, union, and plenty, which we have since enjoyed–for the peaceable and rational manner, in which we have been enabled to establish constitutions of government for our safety and happiness, and particularly the national One now lately instituted–for the civil and religious liberty with which we are blessed; and the means we have of acquiring and diffusing useful knowledge; and in general for all the great and various favors which he hath been pleased to confer upon us.

and also that we may then unite in most humbly offering our prayers and supplications to the great Lord and Ruler of Nations and beseech him to pardon our national and other transgressions– to enable us all, whether in public or private stations, to perform our several and relative duties properly and punctually–to render our national government a blessing to all the people, by constantly being a Government of wise, just, and constitutional laws, discreetly and faithfully executed and obeyed–to protect and guide all Sovereigns and Nations (especially such as have shewn kindness unto us) and to bless them with good government, peace, and concord–To promote the knowledge and practice of true religion and virtue, and the encrease of science among them and us–and generally to grant unto all Mankind such a degree of temporal prosperity as he alone knows to be best.

Given under my hand at the City of New York the third day of October in the year of our Lord 1789.

Go: Washington