Launch Day

In this all-but-dead blog of mine, updated with the frequency of tectonic plate movements, let us take a moment for an issue near and dear to my heart — chicago bears quarterbacks. Did you ever find yourself, like me, watching Rex “I Lost The Superbowl” Grossman fumble away another first down, yearning for the Rick Mirer era? Or watching Kyle “Mr. Mediocrity” Orton hand off to Cedric “See you in Cincinatti” Benson wishing you could pick up the phone and dial up Jim Miller? Wondering why Cade McNown was so short, and how someone so short could be so dumb? Is Peter Tom Willis more than just a southern fried name to you?

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Let’s get to the trivia.

Which Bears QB holds the all-time highest career passer rating (80.7)?

A. Erik Kramer
B. Jim Harbaugh
C. Jim McMahon
D. Kyle Orton

Do you look at that list of Bears QB’s and cry a little? (Except for Jim McMahon, who was, of course, The Man.)

Answer: A. Erik Kramer. Sigh. A frickin’ Detroit Lions quarterback has the bears all-time rating.

Hey Chicago. You still suck.

Our intrepid LD investigators have got like the totally full-on list of Guantanomo torture music. Look, kids. I don’t take this lightly. I want everyone to breathe in, breathe out. Because let’s face it. You’re gonna need every breath you’ve got to rock like guantanamo detainees!! (I used to call the detainees “torture stars” — seriously, those dudes hold press conferences — but thought it just another incredibly insensitive, watered down media misuse of the otherwise terrifying phrase “torture.”)

Anyways, The Yooonited States Military Complex nailed it on this one. I couldn’t have put together a more invigorating playlist myself. Were they trying to get the detainees to slam dance? One thing I’m curious about — what exactly is a U.S. Marine doing w/ a copy of the Sesame Street theme song on his Ipod? Whatever. It works. The detaineees (“torture stars”) will have something to sing to their kids when they get home. I’ll tell you something — when the turbanned invaders from Gihadistad or whoever they are finally take over this place and drag me off to their prison camp, I do wonder if they’ll throw their meanest children’s music at me. Because I’ll grit my teeth and take it, buddy. American style. You won’t see me crying about it at no press conference. These colors don’t run. I’m in training right now. I’ve been listening to Neil Diamond’s “America’ for literally years. And the Sesame Street theme song — I’ve sung that thing so many times. Grrrrrrrrr it can’t EVEN break me. Though I’m really not surprised that Grover (and, I believe, both Bert AND Ernie) have come out to take a firm stand against the Yoooonited States Military Complex like totally hoarking their theme song to play at detainees. That’s terrible, and I can sympathize with them. But thank heavens they’re just empty puppets prattling out to the genius masses whatever their swanky executive producers think the pop culture sheep want to hear at any given moment. Oh wait, that’d be Michael Stipe. Whatever. And finally, the list. http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/22/musicians.guantanamo/

— AC/DC
— Aerosmith
— Barney theme song (By Bob Singleton)
— The Bee Gees
— Britney Spears
— Bruce Springsteen
— Christina Aguilera
— David Gray
— Deicide
— Don McClean
— Dope
— Dr. Dre
— Drowning Pool (“Bodies”)
— Eminem
— Hed P.E.
— James Taylor
— Limp Bizkit
— Marilyn Manson
— Matchbox Twenty
— Meatloaf
— Meow mix jingle (“???”)
— Metallica
— Neil Diamond (“America”)
— Nine Inch Nails (“March of the pigs”)
— Pink
— Prince
— Queen
— Rage against the Machine
— Red Hot Chili Peppers
— Redman
— Saliva
— Sesame street theme music (By Christopher Cerf)
— Stanley Brothers
— The Star Spangled Banner
— Tupac Shakur

Saw the “Indie Rock Coloring Book” reviewed (coloring book reviews — a burgeoning industry, mental note made) over at createdigitalmusic.com and for whatever reason thought it was awesome. Here’s a sample page. Print out the pretty picture, take it home, color it in. Send it in to Launch Day headquarters and win, um, a link to the entire downloadable Launch Day catalog.

Noticing a news story today about a handicapped, oxygen-tank-needing elderly man shot and killed in Michigan while holding a sign suggesting that killing unborn babies is, generally speaking, a bad idea.

Lori Lamerand, president and Chief Executive Officer of Planned Parenthood East Central Michigan, wasn’t sure if the man was murdered for his views on, well, murder. She had this to say about it:

“Planned Parenthood would never condone any sort of violence against anyone.”

Um. Unless, I guess, you’re an unborn baby. In which case she’ll get medieval on your rear.

I don’t know why you got shot either, old man with sign, but may you rest in peace.

Story here.