We are men of the renaissance here at the ivory towers of Launch Day headquarters, able to discuss nearly any topic, any time, with depth and perception so uncommon amongst the, ahem, “working class,” bless their little give-us-this-day-our-daily-bread hearts.
So up at 5 am this morning, as per usual, trying to figure out which end of the boardroom table to sit at today and why, exactly, my pants were on backwards, and just before embarking on my usual strict daily exercise regimen of kayaking, marathon running, breath holding and cramming myself into a small, one-foot box, I found myself discussing something called “calvinism” with a friend, which is some sort of ancient religious cult, apparently, started by Ricardo count Von Calvin in Paraguay in the 1500s — yes, the same Von Calvin who, oddly enough, perfected the art of brewing mead in the large, slightly used flower pots so commonly found in the slums of Paraguay. Originally intended as a 5-point reference guide for the cheap, safe brewing of mead in the aforementiond flower pots, “5 Point Calvinism” has been twisted by the well meaning populace over the centuries into more of a code of ethics — guide posts, if you will, along the road of self-flagellation leading towards the pearly gates of deep, self-righteous smugness. One example of this twisting : the first point, now (incorrectly) referred to as “total depravity” according to its wikipedia thingie, was originally “Totally Deprived,” as in, “Before using the flower pot to brew mead, first determine that the pot is totally deprived of all remnants of top soil.” Just an example. I’m not making this stuff up.
I was directed towards something called ‘TULIP’, which is an acronym for the “five points” upon which a good little calvinist’s hopes and dreams rest, and it occurred to me, right then, right smack dab then and there, what exactly it was that I really needed for the religion I had just decided to start:
I think you need an acronym to truly be successful in this life.
So I posit:
or perhaps the less funny (to SOME):
Yes, so just in case you forget what it is you believe, you can refer to these handy little acronyms to remind you, and give you a sense of power over everyone you ever have a conversation with, which let’s face it, is the entire point. Let’s give it a shot:
B. – Something that starts with “B”. “Be funny”. “Be Serious.” Be Seriously Funny. Works for me. A carrot noone can ever grasp. Perfect!
E. – Enter through the narrow gate. It means nothing, but sounds so important. Perfect!
E. – Enjoy Your Life. Such a nice platitude, sure to captivate thousands – no, millions — of practitioners over the coming centuries.
R. – Relax! No, too soft. Revolt! Perfect! Against what? Revolt against laziness! Perfect!
B – Be seriously funny
E – Enter through the narrow gate
E – Enjoy Your Life
R – Revolt against laziness
There you have it folks. Did I say “folks?” I meant — beerists! No – Beerytes! No – Beers! There you have it, beers. A handy acronym, and let’s not overlook its most important quality — it’s only four points, or one point less than the demanding, unpopular Ricardo Count Von Calvin’s.