In no particular order:

* Kung Fu

* Trebuchets

* Fireworks

* Coffee

* Outer Space

* The Ways of The Jedi

* Money

* Slamball

* Murdoch from The A Team

* Dokken

*  Internet

* Bicycles

* Ninjas

* Sushi

* Friday

* Time Travel

* Magnets

* Electric Guitars

* Maps

* Crunchy Cheetos

* Tools

* Bbq

* Games

I was getting a cup of coffee today (with my new mug) and saw a young woman that looked exactly like Minnie Driver. But I dont think you can say that out loud. Its like saying, “You are somehow cute, despite having a large nose and kind of a funny face.” Which will lead to an awkward silence at best.

Update: I was simply told she looked like Minnie Driver. Because being a married man, I no longer see members of the opposite gender. (Yes, “gender,” not that other, racier word.) And “cute” is a word reserved solely for my children these days. Again, Im only quoting what was told to me. I have no idea who is cute. Except for Obama, who is adorable.

New music is coming. I promise (or warn?). Im wrestling with a chorus. The problem, without mind numbing details, is that when you use the masculine pronoun “He” it can end up sounding completely homo-erotic, which is fine (more than fine, even, because hate speech will never be tolerated here, just ask the OPC (“you down with me?”) who firmly supports the rights of all lifeforms, including chickens, to roam free before slaughter, or then again maybe im getting my state’s props mixed up, which is exactly why we hired the OPC (“you down with me?”) in the first place) but nevertheless not quite the intended effect in this case. So instead, I think I’ll sing about cats. Actually, now that I am thinking about it, I can’t even do that. Trees? Are there any innuendos in trees? Sigh. This is the kind of quandary I put myself in when I stray from the tried-and-true formula of “first take, two hours max, done and on to the next one.” Oh and it has this site’s first ever obscure drug reference. Yeah I was watching an episode of CSI and totally picked it up. Instant street cred.

It has been leaked, and it is all true. Launch Day Enterprise Executive Inc LLC (patent pending) board of trustees’ has mandated from their cedar-paneled lavishly carpeted ivory throneroom that what this place needs is an Office Politics Consultant. Much like PETA Pete (the loveable talking bear mascot of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, restoring proper observance of animal ethics one karma at a time) — Much like PETA Pete, the Office Politics Consultant (OPC) (Theme song – “OPC – YOU DOWN W/ ME??”), the OPC (“you down with me?”)  will provide expert advice on navigating the dangerous environmental waters of the local workplace.

For example:

Q: Dear Office Politics Consultant, I just filled my coffee mug from the office coffee pot. The coffee level is a little low — but exactly how low does it have to be before I’m obligated to brew another pot?

A: Like many things in the office, it depends. For instance — is the culture surrounding the coffee pot one of hostility and wrath? In that case, it might be your moral obligation to do what you can to exacerbate the situation, bringing it to a head and possible resolution by lowering the coffee level even more. Plus, never underestimate the entertainment value of emails sent to the department by someone whining about the coffee pot. On the other hand, do you plan on drinking another cup of joe within the next few minutes? In that case, brew the joe. However for most circumstances, the OPC (“you down with me?”)  recommends dumping the pot before filling your cup, then making a fresh pot, and filling your mug from the fresh coffee. That way, you get to crow about the previous coffee drinker leaving the coffee pot too low,  you get to stand around not working for a few extra minutes b/c of that guy’s insensitivity, you get to feel smug about brewing a pot, and you get a delicious mug of fresh coffee. It’s a win for you across the board.

Q: Dear OPC, Im pretty sure that can of Diet Coke in the refrigerator does not have an owner. It’s been there a while. It’s ok to drink it, right?

A: Absolutely not. Nothing incurs the wrath of the OPC (“you down with me?”) more than this kind of gross appropriation of orphaned beverage items. That’s disgusting. Don’t drink things you didn’t put there. You can, however, huck it in the trash can.

Q: My coworker is a complete __________. I dont really have a question, I just wanted to say my coworker is a complete ___________.

A:  You know what? I just got a letter from that coworker, and he says the same thing about you.  So let’s all remember — office harmony is a journey, not a destination. And the OPC is here to pave the road.