Now hiring – Office Politics Consultant

It has been leaked, and it is all true. Launch Day Enterprise Executive Inc LLC (patent pending) board of trustees’ has mandated from their cedar-paneled lavishly carpeted ivory throneroom that what this place needs is an Office Politics Consultant. Much like PETA Pete (the loveable talking bear mascot of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, restoring proper observance of animal ethics one karma at a time) — Much like PETA Pete, the Office Politics Consultant (OPC) (Theme song – “OPC – YOU DOWN W/ ME??”), the OPC (“you down with me?”)  will provide expert advice on navigating the dangerous environmental waters of the local workplace.

For example:

Q: Dear Office Politics Consultant, I just filled my coffee mug from the office coffee pot. The coffee level is a little low — but exactly how low does it have to be before I’m obligated to brew another pot?

A: Like many things in the office, it depends. For instance — is the culture surrounding the coffee pot one of hostility and wrath? In that case, it might be your moral obligation to do what you can to exacerbate the situation, bringing it to a head and possible resolution by lowering the coffee level even more. Plus, never underestimate the entertainment value of emails sent to the department by someone whining about the coffee pot. On the other hand, do you plan on drinking another cup of joe within the next few minutes? In that case, brew the joe. However for most circumstances, the OPC (“you down with me?”)  recommends dumping the pot before filling your cup, then making a fresh pot, and filling your mug from the fresh coffee. That way, you get to crow about the previous coffee drinker leaving the coffee pot too low,  you get to stand around not working for a few extra minutes b/c of that guy’s insensitivity, you get to feel smug about brewing a pot, and you get a delicious mug of fresh coffee. It’s a win for you across the board.

Q: Dear OPC, Im pretty sure that can of Diet Coke in the refrigerator does not have an owner. It’s been there a while. It’s ok to drink it, right?

A: Absolutely not. Nothing incurs the wrath of the OPC (“you down with me?”) more than this kind of gross appropriation of orphaned beverage items. That’s disgusting. Don’t drink things you didn’t put there. You can, however, huck it in the trash can.

Q: My coworker is a complete __________. I dont really have a question, I just wanted to say my coworker is a complete ___________.

A:  You know what? I just got a letter from that coworker, and he says the same thing about you.  So let’s all remember — office harmony is a journey, not a destination. And the OPC is here to pave the road.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *