You know what this world needs? A PETA hotline. I cant tell you how many times Ive wished IÂ had a phone number I could call to consult an animal-rights expert on how to restore my karma after animal encounters. I think a friendly talking bear mascot would be perfect for this. Lets name him PETA Pete. For example:
ME: [mad dialing]
THEM: Thanks for calling, PETA Pete speaking. [PETA Pete is giant talking friendly bear, remember. Just fyi.]
ME: OMG, i was just riding my bicycle home from the farmer’s market this afternoon after my shift at the bakery co-op and I ran over a moose. I feel so terrible. Please help me… my karma is in tatters. Im so afraid.
THEM: Whoa now, slow down there. Lets just back up a little. First of all, I just want to thank you for taking the time to call PETA Pete. PETA Pete loves answering questions. Second of all, I need a little more information. For instance — you say you were coming home from the farmer’s market. Did you purchase any produce today?
ME: Y-y-y-yes. I got, I think, some rutabagas. And beets.
THEM: Hmm, I see. That sounds delicious. Now, were your vegetables locally grown?
ME: Yes of course.
THEM: Um hmm. Organic?
ME: Y-y-yes. I think.
THEM: Thats good. Thats good. Ok, what were you carrying them in?
ME: A sack.
THEM: I see. Now, it’s important to know what kind of sack it was. For instance was it a hemp sack made from recycleable materials?
ME: No. Plastic sack. Grocery store chain variety.
THEM: [silence]
ME: PETA Pete?
THEM: PETA Pete always recommends reusing linen-style bags. You should always try to avoid plastic grocery store sacks. It might be a little more inconvenient but it makes PETA Pete verrrrry happy. Now, it might take a little more to restore your karma. But let me see — PETA Pete thinks you’re doing a great job for the most part. Farmer’s market, riding your bike, bakery co-op, this is wonderful. Was the moose ok?
ME: Y-y-yes. I think so. He looked a little scared, but he walked away ok.
THEM: Thats terrrrrrific. You’re karma is A-OK. Thanks for calling!!
ME: Thank you PETA Pete!!
See what I mean? The caller in the above example would have lived in fear for literally hours without having PETA Pete the talking bear to call into. It would be a very good thing. I think with Obama in office, conditions are favorable for this — though PETA Pete would say conditions are always favorable for protecting wildlife. You’re right, PETA Pete. Thanks.
PS. Yes. New music is nearly upon us. One vocal track to lay down.
I too think the world would be a better place with PETA Pete.. perhapz he could give me sum karamic advice since I’m a leathersmith and work with dead animalz… dam …. i could realy use his advice……. perhapz a letter comprised with signituers should be composed and sent to the U.S. government about this important self healing and life changing issue… perhaps PETA Pete needz ah SONG!!!!!!! every good guy has ah killer theme song right???… that might just get the ball ah rollin…