On Cubicles and Girls on Boats

We here at Launch Day headquarters — when we’re not busy shopping at Kohl’s, and being serious artists — like to “keep in touch,” as they say, with current events. By “keep in touch,” of course, we mean eavesdrop on our cubicle neighbors’ — or, “cubiceighbors” — conversations. Yes even at Launch Day we have cubicles. They’re just so DAMN CONVENIENT. How better can you place skilled workers into a managed, clean work environment and give them personal spaces to hang pictures of Pink Floyd and their 1.8 step-children that they’ve inherited for a few years along with their third marriage? You just wouldn’t be able to do it. Celebrate the half walls of tweed, peeps. Celebrate.

I forget what I was saying. Current events. Ah yes. Little Abby so-and-so, at the stripling age of sweet 16, is sailing her little boat around the world. In hurricane season, apparently. She got stuck. Which is great, because now it gives leering, middle aged news-site editors a perfectly acceptable reason to publish many enormous close-up shots (and videos!) of an extremely underage little dish in her swim trunks. God bless the news media and their black little lonely hearts. Whatever sells, right? That’s my motto, too!

I liked what her dad had to say regarding the suggestions that his daughter’s undertaking is dangerous. Let’s check in with Miss Abby so-and-so’s pop, who eats danger for breakfast and has personally crapped turds that are bigger and smarter than me –

“Sailing and life in general is dangerous. Teenagers drive cars. Does that mean teenagers shouldn’t drive a car?” Laurence Sunderland told the AP. “I think people who hold that opinion have lost their zeal for life. They’re living in a cotton-wool tunnel to make everything safe.”

Ah yes, our safe little cotton-wool tunnels. Soaks up zeal for life, 100% guaranteed! God bless you, sir. God bless you.

So people, let’s all take a lesson from today’s current events. Throw back the comfy blanky of your cotton-wool tunnel, spring from bed, spritz on your bottle of Zeal For Life, and do something downright snazzy. See how you feel later. Some of you, like little Abby so-and-so, might end up capsized in the Indian ocean with rescue fishing boats chugging towards you in a mere matter of days. Others of you might fail. Report back. You have your assignment.

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