Fighting Pain and Suffering With Breakfast Burritos

We in the ivory towers of launchday headquarters inc recognize there is pain and suffering in the world. And that’s fine. We’re (third person plural) not trying to minimize that. But allow us (third person plural) to counter with the notion that what better way to aleve pain and suffering than with a high quality breakfast burrito. So say hello to our newest segment, “Fight Pain and Suffering: Rate That Burrito”.

Every since my usual breakfast burrito place got shut down, i can only assume for health code violations, i’ve been as one wandering through the night, looking for someone to hold onto. a fine breakfast burrito place is a proper partner, it’s like having a good attorney, or CPA, or hedge fund manager. And they’re tough to find.

Connal's Breakfast Burrito
I’ve wandered through a few places over the last few months, all of them specializing in combining “meh” with big prices. More disappointing than satisfying.

Then yesterday as I was driving around aimlessly as one wondering through the night, looking for someone to hold onto, I noticed a sign. And a beacon of light from the heavens illuminating that sign. And I swear I heard chorale angels singing Handel. And this sign was – not coincidentally – directly across the street from Handel’s ice cream in my fair local district of southern california, in the rock quarry slums known as “upland.”

So let’s cut to the chase. This sign was advertising a 3.99 breakfast burrito. Afficianodos take note. So this morning I went a couple extra exits past my usual offramp so I could cruise through this place, and allow me to say – that was a quality move.

For sheer food tonnage, it would be tough to beat Connal’s breakfast burrito. I went with the “bacon” variety. It’s the kind of thing you can do arm curls with. Legitimate hashbrowns crammed in. I didn’t count the eggs but it couldn’t have been fewer than 64. And cheese. And bacon. All wrapped up in one of those monster tortillas that normal people can never find in their lame little stores. Folded masterfully by masters of burrito folding masters. All for the princely sum, after tax, of $4.31. 4.31 cents, people. You can’t even get a cup of coffee for that anymore.

Thank you Connal’s. Thank you. We applaud your art, and we reward it with the highest of praise.

Hypothesis: Email Is Literally Retarded

The Google thingie defines “retarded” thusly:

less advanced in mental, physical, or social development than is usual for one’s age.
informal offensive
very foolish or stupid.

It is therefore the premise of this HSA (“highly scientific article”) to demonstrate that email – and nearly all practitioners thereof, including author – is indeed less advanced in development than is usual for one’s age.

Firstly: How old is email? Answer: I don’t care. Old enough to stop sucking and ruining our days. Let’s skip to the good part.

Secondly: The Good part. How does email demonstrate the general attributes of retardation? Let’s delve into specifics, corporate warriors of the keyboard.

  • Stop Hitting Reply All To Say Something Retarded, like “Thanks!”
  • Stop using exclamation points to sound friendly. See! It Works! (As if I’m in any danger of sounding friendly.)
  • I know what – email client, let’s go “ping” “ping” “ping” “ping” “ping” every fifteen seconds with a new email of someone hitting Reply All to say “Thanks Bob!” or “Thx!” or “Got it thanks Bob!” or “Great!” (see “Thanks Corellary” below)
  • Let’s keep our mail client open all the time in case we get an email we actually HAVE to deal with, so can listen to “ping” Thanks Bob! all day
  • Let’s render everything in a really good order so we can keep track of important stuff. Hmm let’s see. I know! Most recent at the top! Yeah!

Great now I forgot what I started for. An email came in.


ps. The “Thanks Corellary” explained in hypotentudinal form: In real life, saying “thank you” is a courtesy. Well, in most civilized societies it generally is, present day excluded. In fake “email life” however, it actually becomes a liability. “Oh Good God, one more thing to delete.” Therefore a straight graph line Q can be drawn along the X axis “Suck” correlated against the Y Axis “More Stupid Stuff To Delete” triangulated against the hidden Z axis representing “Seconds Remaining That I Am Alive” to yield the function F(Stop Now) to produce a differential of “Hit Head With Brick.”