love more, pay less

okay peep(s) so yes i acknowledge the ongoing media blackout coming out of the ivory towered headquarters of launch day inc. whatever. today’s little topic is called: “federal income tax.” wake up! this is interesting.

because i’m usually busy lighting my cigars with hundred dollar bills, i let my cpa (yes i have a cpa, she lives out back in the stables with the chauffer and my other domestic servants) deal with my taxes every year. ignorance is bliss, eh?

but as i was kicking back today w/ my feet propped up on my crouching manservant, lighting my cuban with another benjamin (“benjies” as i like to call them), i had my nose stuck in my tax return to make sure nobody’s siphoning anything off the top of launch day inc’s bottom line. and you know what i found? i found this little treat:

Exemptions. If line 38 is $150,000 or less, multiply $3,900 by the number on line 6d. Otherwise, see instructions.

Doesn’t look like much, does it? Barely makes sense. But you know what it is? Cash money, that’s what it is. It’s one of two very convincing reasons to grow up, get married, and pump out some kids.

Let’s say you have, oh I don’t know, FIVE KIDS. And you’re married. And you’re filing jointly. You know what the number on line 6d is? Seven. It’s seven, people. So multiply 7*3900 per the little instructions, and you know what that comes to? 27,300 dollars, peeps. Why do you care?

Because you get to subtract that from your salary. And THATS what you pay uncle sam taxes on.

Are you still with me or are you still cramming that cinnabon into your face? Wake up. Let’s say you work really hard flipping tacos at Dicks Burger Barn and you pulled in, for the sake of a nice round number, a cool 50,000 last year. Well – that aint what you pay taxes on. First you subtract that nice little 27,300 per the instructions above, which leaves you with (fingers and toes, carry the one…) $22,700. As far as uncle sam is concerned – you’re only gonna pay taxes for a salary of $22,700. Not on the 50k. That’s called a “deduction” people, and it’s magic. Boom, just like that, your taxes came down. You know what the tax bracket for that 22,700 is? I know you don’t. Turn off the Friends rerun and i’ll tell you, it’s 10% for the first $17k (1,700), then its 15% after that for that money between 17k and 22,700 (727.50). So you just pocketed a bunch of money. Your tax bill’s gonna be 2512 instead of the 6607 it would have been if you were paying on the full 50,000, which you would be if you didn’t have those pains in the rear called kids. That comes out to a 5% federal tax rate for you.

You like that better?

I know I would if I were you.

Now comes the REAL magic.

The “obama tax credit” is going to take 1,000 OFF your tax bill for every – single – kid. So say you’ve got those FIVE kids? Well, here it comes. You take your little tax bill of 2,512 and subtract 5,000 from it. That’s what you owe. You like that new number? Why it goes below zero, doesn’t it.

pretty good huh.

So go find yourself a purty wife and have some future taxpayers.

Btw you want to know some other hidden gems of federal tax returns? Here’s some other pretty cool deductions you make:

* State Tax. yup, whatever you paid in state taxes, SUBTRACT IT off yo’ salary for uncle sam. Did you get that? pay attention. It’s cash money.

* gifts to charity. yup. go be generous, finance some drinking water wells in africa, come back in april, and SUBTRACT IT off your taxable salary.

There you go folks. Don’t say I never told you nuthin.

Back to my Cinnabon …