That’s a picture of what you get when you google “russian tanks in afghanistan.”

The sort-of-war’s commanders — that’d be the “suits,” or “executives,” for those of you more versed in corporate lingo than in the oft confusing jargon of sort-of-war — have been encouraging their “boys” to not blow things up unless they absolutely have to.

That comes from the combat geniuses at the Washington Post via this article, which is about another article that’s running in the publication of those other combat geniuses, Rolling Stone (there’s your music tie-in, rock slaves…). The Rolling Stone article has gotten the guy running the sort-of-war, General So-and-So, in trouble with The Man for saying unflattering things about Obama and Joe Biden (The Man and The Man’s Man), two dudes whose expertise on running sort-of-wars is indisputable.

So now the White House has paged General So-and-So to come talk to them about the comments, and it may or may not cost the man running the sort-of-war in Afghanistan his job.

Can I just take a pause here and ask when … precisely when … did the content of rock magazines start literally shaping the running of America’s sort-of-wars? Why are generals appearing in Rolling Stone in the first place, (btw what he says is cold stone fascinating) while there’s a sort-of-war going on, talking smack about politicians? Is this a recruiting technique? And don’t the members of America’s ruling class have more important things to do than read Rolling Stone? Apparently not. Maybe going to sort-of-war is precisely the kind of thing they do to fill that insufferable gap between issues of Rolling Stone and Penthouse. Maybe the whole Afghanistanian thing could be over if Rolling Stone would just go daily.

Here’s a quote from the Washington Post that jumped out at me:

One soldier at the outpost showed … a written directive instructing troops to “patrol only in areas that you are reasonably certain that you will not have to defend yourself with lethal force.”

Granted, its from the Washington Post, but let’s pretend it’s somehow true, and came from an officer. I’d have a hard time getting my head around that one. “Patrol only in areas that you are reasonably certain that you will not have to defend yourself with lethal force.” Like - the mall, for example? People rarely have to defend themselves with lethal force at the mall. The boys could patrol there, and might also enjoy watching the puppies in the window of the pet store.

Or - Starbucks. I know for a fact I’ve never had to defend myself with lethal force there. The boys (and girls, cuz lets face it gender equality is priority number one here at Launch Day headquarters) could relax in the air conditioning, and sip a mocha caramel frappasomething to get themselves amped up to get like totally unlethal.

Here’s a picture of the type of store one might find at the mall where lethal force has rarely — if ever — been required. It would be safe to patrol here.

I wonder what the servicemen think of such orders — “Hey fellas, try to stick to the areas where you’re not gonna get shot at.” I mean, yeah, HELL yeah that’s what I’d be doing, but they’re not supposed to make it official, right? Still technically a war? You can’t ship a guy to Afghanistan, stick him in a tank, and then tell him to drive around but not get shot at. That’s just not … fair. Don’t the commanders historically say things like, “Go get ‘em, guys,” and the warriors kill ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out? Or has this changed from a war into some sort of sick, budget padding, vote garnering media event with too many ulterior motives to count — a sort-of-war — that we’ve come to basically accept as a fact of life, something happening “over there,” that we have no control over? It’s tough to know these days what’s real and what’s concocted by our keepers, more or less literally at the expense of the great unwashed’s (that’d be us) lives. There doesn’t seem to be much of a difference anymore. That’s why I try to spend most of my time watching “Friends” reruns. Maybe it’s both a just cause and a cash cow, w/ our keepers cramming us dead and alive into one end of the cow, and pulling enormous taxpayer dollars out of the other end, but all in the name of something really important so we don’t feel quite so vacuous about the dead.

Anyways it’s just this sort of thing that always make me enjoy getting my serious sort-of-war news straight from the serious, no-nonsense journalistic folks at Rolling Stone, the same earnest keepers of America’s rich reporting traditions who every once in a while can set their bongs down long enough to also feature those other perennial (not perineal) newsmakers, Janet Jackson’s boobies.

Thanks, Rolling Stone, I can’t wait to read the story. You continue to do everything you can to flush America down the toilet so you can feel smug and make a few bucks. Y’know, that’s only cool when _I_ do it.

WAVVES @ SWEET TEA from Pete Ohs on Vimeo.

I’d also like to introduce a statistic I’m lovingly calling the Weezerdex. I wrote a valuable utility that fetches a band’s number of myspace friends, and divides it by Weezer’s number of myspace friends. The result gives you an idea of the band’s, um, “fame,” compared to Weezer’s. The Wavves register a 2.4 on the Weezerdex. That means they’ve got about 2.4% the number of myspace friends that Weezer has. (14,231 vs 570,852). Statisticians of the world: you’re welcome.

The Band: Wavves
Label: Fat Possum
Located: Southern California
Weezerdex: 2.4
last.fm/music/wavves, myspace.com/wavves

Btw - you can download the Wavves’ MP3 featured in that video here.

Then there’s “Guitar Hero”, which, unlike Dance Dance Revolution and Rock Band, has those weird, uncomfortable TV ads featuring various male celebrities in their underwear playing with their toys. Those ads alone are enough to send me scurrying.

Anyways, I’m going to have to consult my 10-year-old on what this Rock Band thing is and why all the kids today are so pumped about it. Recent headlines announce that White Stripes, The Cure, and those timeless denizens of rockville Night Ranger (Sister Christian!) , as well as the Doors, and Jimi Hendrix (<respectful moment of Jimi silence> …. thank you) and countless others are in it. Oh and Metric, too, who let’s face it are downright catchy.

Here’s the announcement from game maker Harmonix -

We’re trying to draw the player in, and allow them the opportunity to develop skillz.

Because you KNOW skills is spelled with a ‘z’ in that quote.

The company making this thing is called Harmonix. No relation apparently to these guys, the pedal makers that used to be “old” but now are “vintage”?

Do yourself a favor. Go get Rock Band. I’m told there’s even a “Craigs List” easter egg in there somewhere where your life force gets sucked out of you while you look for a drummer.

I do enjoy, occasionally, when diapers are in order, sitters arranged, payments made, logistics handled — a night out. Not one of those fake nights out, either, where you unwrap your food at McBurger’s and then plunk down 25 smackers to watch McMovie at McTheater. I mean an actual night out, one that involves interacting with humanity, connecting with local whatever, rocking the night away, with pretty lass (Mrs. Launch Day aka “trophy wife”) tucked under wing.

So every once in a while, that night out will be spent at one of a handful of stunning local music venues, close enough that I literally ride by bicycle past them daily. For some reason that tickles me to no end … me, my bicycle, a flower behind my ear, an invisible friend riding on my handlebars, riding past the same venues that may be entertaining us later that evening, or month, or year … hosting stellar artists, all for my entertainment pleasure, in more or less my back yard.

It’s all local, all good.

And this is the build up to my main point … 20 dollar ticketmaster service fees. By staying local, I never have to pay them. I roll up to the window on my way home, help my invisible friend off the handlebars, pop into the box office, buy my tickets, and skirt merrily on my way, nary a care in the world.

So I was shocked to peek in on tickets to see an artist at the Nokia, and boom there’s twenty dollars in Ticketmaster service fees. Wha? It feels downright violating. Tickets are only $25 bucks … “only,” ahem … and the service fees are $20. I remember the “old days,” when we complained bitterly about two dollar ticketmaster service fees. Clearly Ticketmaster is doing something wrong … I mean surely they should be getting at least as much as the face value of the ticket. If I’d pay 20, I’d pay 21, right? And if I’d pay 21, I’d pay 22, right? All the way up to 25. And beyond. They offer such a valuable service, too, which I may not be able to think of right now off the top of my head, but no doubt it’s indispensible. I mean no way could venues figure out how to sell something as complex as a ticket by themselves.

So, pphbt. No thanks.

I’ll stay local. I see coming up on the calendar … No Age, Thrice, The National, Dirty Projectors. Pretty incredible.

I know, I know. You’ve never heard of any of those bands. Trust me - each awesome, in it’s own way.

I forget what I was saying. Current events. Ah yes. Little Abby so-and-so, at the stripling age of sweet 16, is sailing her little boat around the world. In hurricane season, apparently. She got stuck. Which is great, because now it gives leering, middle aged news-site editors a perfectly acceptable reason to publish many enormous close-up shots (and videos!) of an extremely underage little dish in her swim trunks. God bless the news media and their black little lonely hearts. Whatever sells, right? That’s my motto, too!

I liked what her dad had to say regarding the suggestions that his daughter’s undertaking is dangerous. Let’s check in with Miss Abby so-and-so’s pop, who eats danger for breakfast and has personally crapped turds that are bigger and smarter than me -

“Sailing and life in general is dangerous. Teenagers drive cars. Does that mean teenagers shouldn’t drive a car?” Laurence Sunderland told the AP. “I think people who hold that opinion have lost their zeal for life. They’re living in a cotton-wool tunnel to make everything safe.”

Ah yes, our safe little cotton-wool tunnels. Soaks up zeal for life, 100% guaranteed! God bless you, sir. God bless you.

So people, let’s all take a lesson from today’s current events. Throw back the comfy blanky of your cotton-wool tunnel, spring from bed, spritz on your bottle of Zeal For Life, and do something downright snazzy. See how you feel later. Some of you, like little Abby so-and-so, might end up capsized in the Indian ocean with rescue fishing boats chugging towards you in a mere matter of days. Others of you might fail. Report back. You have your assignment.

Crank and enjoy.

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Here’s a new song (CAN YOU HANDLE IT INTERTWITTERNETVILLE?) I dug up out of the workstation, this peppy little number about the moral suicide of modern man nuanced with overtones of spiritual cliff jumping is called “The Speed Of Freefall.” It’s danceability quotient is pegged at eleven, people. Whoa. The scale only goes to ten. CRAZY.

And don’t forget. Jesus loves you, yes, even you — idiot in the back row? Yeah, you. Especially you. (Dude right next to him? Not so much.)

Oh this is how OCD I have become. I’ve started tracking the MySpace stats of whatever bands I happen to come across in “the feeds.” You can actually quantify fame these days, peeps. I am amazed by two things: how many ridiculously famous bands I have  never heard of, and I forget the second one. Oh, folk is huge. I had no idea how huge folk is. Seriously. A folky dude named “Iron & Wine” who I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever heard of (due to my own lameness. I have never heard of anybody, apparently.) is, according to the MySpace profile views number (5.2 million), bigger than Weezer. And you could have caught Mr. Iron & Wine at the, er, Benefit for Midwives Alliance of North America back on July 27, according to his tour stats. Which actually sounds like a heckuva good gig.

More on the numbers later, I promise. I double super secret promise with a pinky swear.

Good night.

Anyways, The Yooonited States Military Complex nailed it on this one. I couldn’t have put together a more invigorating playlist myself. Were they trying to get the detainees to slam dance? One thing I’m curious about — what exactly is a U.S. Marine doing w/ a copy of the Sesame Street theme song on his Ipod? Whatever. It works. The detaineees (”torture stars”) will have something to sing to their kids when they get home. I’ll tell you something — when the turbanned invaders from Gihadistad or whoever they are finally take over this place and drag me off to their prison camp, I do wonder if they’ll throw their meanest children’s music at me. Because I’ll grit my teeth and take it, buddy. American style. You won’t see me crying about it at no press conference. These colors don’t run. I’m in training right now. I’ve been listening to Neil Diamond’s “America’ for literally years. And the Sesame Street theme song — I’ve sung that thing so many times. Grrrrrrrrr it can’t EVEN break me. Though I’m really not surprised that Grover (and, I believe, both Bert AND Ernie) have come out to take a firm stand against the Yoooonited States Military Complex like totally hoarking their theme song to play at detainees. That’s terrible, and I can sympathize with them. But thank heavens they’re just empty puppets prattling out to the genius masses whatever their swanky executive producers think the pop culture sheep want to hear at any given moment. Oh wait, that’d be Michael Stipe. Whatever. And finally, the list. http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/22/musicians.guantanamo/

– AC/DC
– Aerosmith
– Barney theme song (By Bob Singleton)
– The Bee Gees
– Britney Spears
– Bruce Springsteen
– Christina Aguilera
– David Gray
– Deicide
– Don McClean
– Dope
– Dr. Dre
– Drowning Pool (”Bodies”)
– Eminem
– Hed P.E.
– James Taylor
– Limp Bizkit
– Marilyn Manson
– Matchbox Twenty
– Meatloaf
– Meow mix jingle (”???”)
– Metallica
– Neil Diamond (”America”)
– Nine Inch Nails (”March of the pigs”)
– Pink
– Prince
– Queen
– Rage against the Machine
– Red Hot Chili Peppers
– Redman
– Saliva
– Sesame street theme music (By Christopher Cerf)
– Stanley Brothers
– The Star Spangled Banner
– Tupac Shakur

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Lori Lamerand, president and Chief Executive Officer of Planned Parenthood East Central Michigan, wasn’t sure if the man was murdered for his views on, well, murder. She had this to say about it:

“Planned Parenthood would never condone any sort of violence against anyone.”

Um. Unless, I guess, you’re an unborn baby. In which case she’ll get medieval on your rear.

I don’t know why you got shot either, old man with sign, but may you rest in peace.

Story here.

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Anyways. BLAST IT! And enjoy.

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(Yo, MC Katie, you counting? Here’s song #3 in the five-part kids song series.)

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“If it weren’t for you, we would not be in the White House.”

Oh btw, in case you were wondering how much $30,000 is, that would be, let me look this up here, yeah that would be about $4k more than the entire annual income of the median American household member in 2006. Hope it was yummy meatloaf!

Power to the people, right? The DNC be all about the little guy. (Don’t worry, fund raisers are all a necessary part of political life, folks. Ruling us idiots requires a pile of cash.)

Anyways, one more time cuz it’s such a cute quote, here’s what Obama said to a pal of his yesterday:

“If it weren’t for you, we would not be in the White House.”

Aww, that’s so sweet. If it weren’t for this guy, they would not be in the White House. But what guy?

Who do you think he was talking to? Not some CEO right, I mean hey this is Obama here. He must have been talking to his grassroots legion of good little soldiers, the Twitterati, right? In other words, “us?” Was he talking to us? Surely a man of his reputation would not — could not — be saying such things to some mega powerful, mega-rich corporate CEO titan, especially not one who has a daily and insiduous pull on American life. Because that would be awkward. Only those lousy old men of the GOP would do that, right? Cheney talking to Enron, maybe. Right? No way would Obama admit getting put into the White House by a CEO. Because yes we can! Yes we did! Change is a’coming!

Anyways, he was talking to Jeffrey Katzenberg. Is Katzenberg a CEO? An all powerful, mega rich, corporate CEO? Strange, I do believe he might actually qualify as such. One whose product is piped into our homes, and paraded in front of our children, day after day after mind numbing thought-controlled day. One who controls a corporation that controls the national story time. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to President maker and Dreamworks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg. But whoa, he makes movies, not electricity, so he’s like totally cool and stuff. Right? I mean I loved Shrek. After all, Hollywood just mirrors society, it doesn’t control it. Right?? It’s just story time after all, it’s not something evil, like electricity. In fact, you know what? It makes me even more enamored with the whole thing, if that’s possible.

Yes we did!

Bugs Bunny Better - Song Details

In a stunning innovation, I’ve also released an entirely different song, but sung — get this — to the exact same music! Wow, it’s two-for-one Monday people. You can’t buy that kind of innovation. Mixmaster Katie wanted to hear some kids songs. (Because let’s face it — here in the rarified air of Launch Day Inc. global headquarters, we’ve all got more kids than we know what to do with.) So this one’s for the little guys in their yoda jammies. It’s technically called “Play By Your Rules” but at the moment it’s logged in the database as “A Funkier Groove Kids Version.”

As always, crank it and enjoy.

A Funkier Groove - Song Details

Kids Version - Song Details

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ps. I redid the mix on “Stick It” and put that on the site as well.

pss. Don’t forget all tracks are available for free download on the music page.