We’re serious artists here at Launch Day headquarters, people. It’s tough looking this good when you shop at Kohl’s. But we bear down and make it happen.
Here’s a new song (CAN YOU HANDLE IT INTERTWITTERNETVILLE?) I dug up out of the workstation, this peppy little number about the moral suicide of modern man nuanced with overtones of spiritual cliff jumping is called “The Speed Of Freefall.” It’s danceability quotient is pegged at eleven, people. Whoa. The scale only goes to ten. CRAZY.
And don’t forget. Jesus loves you, yes, even you — idiot in the back row? Yeah, you. Especially you. (Dude right next to him? Not so much.)
Oh this is how OCD I have become. I’ve started tracking the MySpace stats of whatever bands I happen to come across in “the feeds.” You can actually quantify fame these days, peeps. I am amazed by two things: how many ridiculously famous bands I have never heard of, and I forget the second one. Oh, folk is huge. I had no idea how huge folk is. Seriously. A folky dude named “Iron & Wine” who I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever heard of (due to my own lameness. I have never heard of anybody, apparently.) is, according to the MySpace profile views number (5.2 million), bigger than Weezer. And you could have caught Mr. Iron & Wine at the, er, Benefit for Midwives Alliance of North America back on July 27, according to his tour stats. Which actually sounds like a heckuva good gig.
More on the numbers later, I promise. I double super secret promise with a pinky swear.
Our intrepid LD investigators have got like the totally full-on list of Guantanomo torture music. Look, kids. I don’t take this lightly. I want everyone to breathe in, breathe out. Because let’s face it. You’re gonna need every breath you’ve got to rock like guantanamo detainees!! (I used to call the detainees “torture stars” — seriously, those dudes hold press conferences — but thought it just another incredibly insensitive, watered down media misuse of the otherwise terrifying phrase “torture.”)
Anyways, The Yooonited States Military Complex nailed it on this one. I couldn’t have put together a more invigorating playlist myself. Were they trying to get the detainees to slam dance? One thing I’m curious about — what exactly is a U.S. Marine doing w/ a copy of the Sesame Street theme song on his Ipod? Whatever. It works. The detaineees (“torture stars”) will have something to sing to their kids when they get home. I’ll tell you something — when the turbanned invaders from Gihadistad or whoever they are finally take over this place and drag me off to their prison camp, I do wonder if they’ll throw their meanest children’s music at me. Because I’ll grit my teeth and take it, buddy. American style. You won’t see me crying about it at no press conference. These colors don’t run. I’m in training right now. I’ve been listening to Neil Diamond’s “America’ for literally years. And the Sesame Street theme song — I’ve sung that thing so many times. Grrrrrrrrr it can’t EVEN break me. Though I’m really not surprised that Grover (and, I believe, both Bert AND Ernie) have come out to take a firm stand against the Yoooonited States Military Complex like totally hoarking their theme song to play at detainees. That’s terrible, and I can sympathize with them. But thank heavens they’re just empty puppets prattling out to the genius masses whatever their swanky executive producers think the pop culture sheep want to hear at any given moment. Oh wait, that’d be Michael Stipe. Whatever. And finally, the list. http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/Music/10/22/musicians.guantanamo/
— Barney theme song (By Bob Singleton)
— The Bee Gees
— Britney Spears
— Bruce Springsteen
— Christina Aguilera
— David Gray
— Don McClean
— Dr. Dre
— Drowning Pool (“Bodies”)
— Hed P.E.
— James Taylor
— Limp Bizkit
— Marilyn Manson
— Matchbox Twenty
— Meow mix jingle (“???”)
— Neil Diamond (“America”)
— Nine Inch Nails (“March of the pigs”)
— Rage against the Machine
— Red Hot Chili Peppers
— Sesame street theme music (By Christopher Cerf)
— Stanley Brothers
— The Star Spangled Banner
— Tupac Shakur